I have learned how to play Magic the Gathering, Monsuno and Ms. Mary Mack in the last 30 days. I have had my hair and make-up done by my five-year old daughter countless times and my boys have made me several custom airplanes complete with our newly designed family crest. I have many friends at home that were really good at doing all the above mentioned activities and then some, but I was not. I was the UBER planner. I was always one step ahead, packing lunches, laying out clothes, planning social engagements, cooking for family parties, pre-writing and filing birthday cards so they would not be forgotten.
I woke up today, 50 days into our adventure, and I was looking up homeschool trackers and menu planning and asking my husband about his contact management forecast and our plan for the holidays. I heard a dull thumping in my head that after hours turned into a loud roar – BASTA (enough in Italian)! This is why I am here, now. This is not about orchestrating, it is about listening to the music within that I am used to quieting while I “get stuff done!”
Today is about doing what I am inspired to do and when it feels scary and vulnerable to listen to my inspiration, my UBER planner rears its ugly head. Why? Because that was my defining self at home. I was so good at planning and organizing and creating space for people to gather, even if it meant barking at the people who matter most, not to mess anything up! It is not that efforts to always be prepared were wrong, but they did not bring me joy. I was addicted to being ready which meant I was unable to be present. Here, I couldn’t prepare for tomorrow if I wanted to, because the grocery store is a like a riddle, the spreadsheets are in a foreign language, and navigating takes team work.
Now things are messier, spreadsheet-free, and impulsive and that is exactly the discomfort I want to feel. I know, on the other side of this discomfort, is a presence like I have never felt. I know this because I hear the kids laughter when I am on the floor playing. I see their relief, when we get up to go find gelato, and we leave the game just as it was. They know I am coming back to play some more.
Ready or not, here I come!